Day 13 today. I’m realizing how much alcohol and men are intertwined for me.
Of course I’ve been worrying about my ex, I wonder if he’s ok. I feel like a bitch. It’s hard to shake co-dependence, and I love him. After a week of no contact I felt good and my mind was becoming more clear. But then I got sick and was in urgent care all day so I had to shoot him a text and tell him, because he works in an ER. He said he’s been thinking of me, seemed concerned. Asked how I’d been. I said “The not drinking is going great!” and the conversation fizzled out quickly. Then I went on OKcupid. WOW. I sure set myself up for that one. Sending that first text to him triggered a trip down the rabbit hole.
I was on OKcupid for about 15 minutes. I hadn’t been on for a year, so I updated my profile. I hid all the questions about drinking and sex. I was shocked at how much I had originally revealed. I took my fondness for dancing near juke boxes and wine out of my description. I fell asleep and woke up to only 3 messages. Previously when I logged back on after an absence there would be at least 30 message the first night. I guess I’m boring now? Because I was sober for it all I can see exactly how this little jaunt into online dating-land started: with me getting sick, feeling vulnerable, and texting the ex.
I realize men are just another distraction or way to escape my feelings of unease, of discomfort, of feelings that are still hard to name for having avoided them for so long. I guess the most accurate word is loneliness. It brings to mind this Elizabeth Gilbert quote from Eat, Pray, Love: “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
I reread Rejection is the Universal Protection this morning, a blog post by Laura on I Fly at Night. It’s about her patterns of attracting and being attracted to men who didn’t serve her in her growth and potential. In a period of feeling rejected and thinking of all the previous times she’d felt rejected, she realized it was the universe’s way of protecting her and she remembered ‘upper limiting’. She writes, upper limiting is “a term used by Gay Hendricks in his incredible book, The Big Leap. The basic gist is this: each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure.”
By continuing to become involved in relationships that aren’t conducive to my growth, I’m subconsciously creating a barrier to my potential -because, well, change is scary and uncomfortable. I’m going to try to remember that if the universe isn’t sending me my partner yet it is just her way of protecting me, so I can safely continue to learn my way around my achy heart.