Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
~ Rainier Maria Rilke
Just a quick little update. I realized my last post sound very down… but it’s amazing how quickly things change. They change daily, hourly. I had let weeks go by between posts, so it’s not always clear and may seem like sobriety is a sad place for me, but it’s not! The highs and lows are just higher and lower, is all, when they aren’t numbed by alcohol and distraction.
I’ve been doing yoga and meditating daily, as well as walking more and journaling. I posted yesterday about it all feeling like SO MUCH WORK but in reality I’ve spend way more time than these routines take, zoning out on my phone or Netflix. And in just 5 days I’m seeing a difference in my mood (higher), my impulses (slower), my sense of self (greater).
Now that I’ve got 6 months of sobriety under my belt, it’s time to be mindful of the other addictions I use to check out when I feel uncomfortable in my skin. They are the usual suspects: spending money, food, love and sex, the internet, tv shows…
I’m focusing on spending and food right now. My mantra these days is gentle gentle gentle.
Spending: Financially I find myself going into kind of fugue state when I enter Target or go on Amazon, and frequently have major buyers remorse and guilt because I find myself down to $20 for a week and having to tell my daughters I can’t buy bananas, or borrowing money from them for gas; yet I have clothes in my closet with tags still on, and boxes from Amazon arriving every other day. The recent Home podcast, focusing on money with Meadow Devor, was AMAZING. Meadow’s book was the last thing I bought besides groceries and gas, 3 days ago. The main points I got from the podcast were not to buy anything when I’m not happy, to only buy things that make me happy, with money I made happily, and to write down my feelings about every purchase. She’s anti-budget. Gentle gentle gentle.
Food: I am all over the place. I’m about 50 pounds more than the bmi chart says I ‘should’ be. I feel really good about 30 pounds lighter than I am now. I gained 10 pounds since I quit drinking but it might also be the ‘freshman 15’, since I went back to school last semester. Or maybe it’s just age and lack of exercise. I try a new thing to lose weight every few months (fitbit, WW, sugar fast, and onandonandon) and of course nothing works in the long run, because I don’t stick to anything. I eat healthy, not much sugar or junk, just huge portions and too many seconds. Cream -top yogurt is my weakness, even though I eat it plain – just add ripe bananas and almonds. I did 8 days of a 21 day sugar fast, and just those 8 days made a difference in my cravings. I’m off junk food and added sugar. I’m not weighing myself these days, and I notice my tummy is getting bigger. But I’m loving on it, and continuing to love and move my body with yoga and walking. I’m also going to stop bringing cream-top yogurt into my house 🙂
Alcohol, money and food are really no different at the root. It really isn’t even about the alcohol, money, food, love…..At the root it’s about learning to stay in the uncomfortable skin I want to crawl out of any way I can, to find out what it is I’m trying to escape from, and to remember, “no feeling is final”.