this beautiful, impermanent life

Here I am at nearly 15 months sober and I realized I hadn’t posted since last July! So many things have happened that I wish I’d been writing about, but I felt very introverted and private and vulnerable. Something about spring has me bursting open and reinspired to return to this blog. So I’m back, and I’m sure things will get filled in in the next few posts. I did write a bit in Facebook and Instagram around my 1 year sobriety birthday and about Refuge  Recovery, so I’ll share those thoughts here:

When I woke up on 1/9/17 I wasn’t sure my 1 year sobriety birthday would feel like a big deal. But I woke up so teary with gratitude. 

Looking back on all the uncertainty the first months about what I am, and why, and how long will I do this- none of that matters now. I’m doing it because my life has gotten so much better! And the taste of alcohol sounds gross now, and getting numb or foggy holds no appeal. 

I want to continue to dive more deeply into my self, learn more about how I tick, what I really feel, what my true intentions are, not react to things out of fear, and to increase my understanding, compassion, and love for myself and others. I can only do this by keeping a clarity of mind.

I’ve grown to know and love my wise inner self and to listen and pay attention to her. I couldn’t hear her before. Im not sure I was aware she existed. But she’s pretty fucking amazing and I’m not turning my back on her again. 

AA hasn’t really clicked for me. It works for others, for some the term “alcoholic” is helpful and necessary. For me, not so much. Although it’s been beneficial to me and I love the people, it doesn’t feel like “my” path. I’m not convinced of the disease/ allergy model for myself,  and we have learned so much about addiction since the 1930’s. I resist labels. We change. We wake up. 

I quit drinking because I realized I don’t want to go through life numb and confused. Sobriety has allowed me to develop better, more consistent self-care routines, including getting back into meditation. It’s been hard to have a regular practice since my divorce 5 years ago, but it’s been sticking again since I removed alcohol from my life. 

I finally starting going to my first Refuge Recovery meetings in October and I don’t know what took me so long! I love it because you don’t have to identify as a particular addict. According to Buddhism, we are all addicted to something. We desire, we crave, we mindlessly try to satisfy our craving, we get disappointed, we suffer, we crave more. 

I’m stoked to have found a recovery model that ties my buddhist path and sobriety together and will also keep me on the meditation train and help with money and technology habits as well. For me it’s about being as awake as I can to experience this beautiful, impermanent life.

6 thoughts on “this beautiful, impermanent life

    1. Thank you! I don’t go to meeting as often as I’d like, but it has definitely gotten me in the habit of daily meditation, which I find is one of my most important tools. Thank you for your good wishes and I’m sending them right back to you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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